she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
