Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
