would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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