my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
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