May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I use my feet as sexual weapons
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
