That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
