nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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