Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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