I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
