we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
