I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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