so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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