so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
try to milk me bitch
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