the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
