And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
