He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
