My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
you didnt know i had herpes?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
