sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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