He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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