I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
