Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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