so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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