It's a beautiful day for a hangover
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
