If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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