if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
