i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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