I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
