My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I faked an abortion last night.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
