I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
PS: I just woke up from my shower
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
