Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
