he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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