I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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