i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
