o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
