If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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