I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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