$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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