I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
