i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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