You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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