My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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