Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
