its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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