sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Randomize
