Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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