i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
