you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
