My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
only you would photoshop your dick
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
