Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
