I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
whose parrot is this?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
