turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
